Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I am miserable. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a tornado. Everything is crazy and unorganized and I'm trying desparately to dig deep and sort it out. But where do I start? I know where I need to start, but how do I do it? How do I put myself first? How do I say, you're worth it and tell everything else to get in line behind me? How do I put myself in front of kids, a husband, work, laundry, cleaning, bills, the grocery store, time with friends and family? How do I squeeze exercise and proper eating into all of this and still get 8 hours of sleep a night? How do I take that first step and get to the gym? How do I take control of my portion sizes and avoid sweets? How do I get my lazy ass off the couch and do all these things and quit depending on my husband to pick up my slack? Because that's what he's been doing. This past week or so I've been realizing how much he does and how little I do. It's really unfair to him. And I need to change it.

I realize I am slowly killing myself. I say that, but do I really get it? I have lower back pain. I have knee pain. I feel lethargic. My muscles feel like they have rigor mortis (I know that's not possible but it's the best way I can explain it) I hate to look in the mirror. I have hypothyroidism. I'm probably pre-diabetic. And, oh yeah, I'm fat. I'm really fat. Like morbidly obese fat. As of this morning, I weighed 281.5 pounds. Still not my heaviest, but that's probably attainable by Friday if I keep going like this. And I'm only 5'4".

So, I made a couple of attempts to put myself first, last week. I finally went for the bloodwork that I should have gotten done 6 months ago. I started taking back control of my daughter's bedtime. For some reason I let her dictate where I would be while she falls asleep. That stopped Thursday night. I have been sitting in my bed for the last several months because it was better than sitting in the hallway outside of her bedroom. Well, that does nothing for my productivity after she falls asleep. I'm comfy and cozy in my bed watching the TV, which I have decided is the biggest waste of time and brain power. So, now I'm able to go back downstairs when she goes to bed. Keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. This would be the perfect time to head to the gym. Unfortunately, the husband is traveling for work for the next two weeks. So much for that theory. But it's a start.

This week's goals for myself: (this does not include all the normal to-do's)
1 - keep control of bedtime
2 - pack my lunches for work
3 - drink more water
4 - try to do some stretching
5 - watch less TV


Taking small steps towards making a big change.....