Is it really September?`

So, it's been a busy summer and not much emphasis was placed on my eating or exercise. I found one excuse after another. And, I had officially reached my highest weight ever. My Aunt asked me to join Weight Watchers with her in August. So, on August 6th I joined weight watchers and weighed in at 294.6. UGH. I didn't really start, though. I went to the meetings every week but wasn't really watching what I ate. Miraculously, I either stayed the same or lost .4 or .6 etc. Even after being on vacation for a week and not watching what I ate, I still lost a little. And each time I was surprised. The key, I think, was that I was moving more. Not hitting the gym or anything, but helping out with the chores around the house instead of sitting on the couch. We were at the beach for a week on vacation. I was constantly moving, every day while there.

It finally clicked. After basically not following plan for over a month, I had still managed to lose 2 pounds in total. I wasn't overly ecstatic about it, but I started to feel like "something" really wanted me to lose weight. You see, I kept setting myself up for failure each week by not even trying. Each time I lost, I was completely surprised. I think deep down I really wanted to gain, just to prove to myself that I couldn't do it. And that wasn't happening. So, I finally decided that I needed to give the plan a try. So, after one more bad weekend, I started reeling it in on Monday, 9/14. That week ( I weigh in on Thursdays) I lost .6. OK, better than nothing. But I thought, if I can get my weekends under control maybe it would be more. But that came after my mind got the better of me and 9/18 became a binge day, complete with a bag of pepperidge farm white choc macadamia nut cookies (24 points for the entire bag, my allowance is 35 per day) So, 9/19 I got it together and stayed on track all week. I weighed in last nigth and lost 1.2 (after a yoga class, a 60 minute walk and a 45 minute workout at the gym this week). I was completely disappointed. I was expecting at least 2. This sparked a bit of depression and a whole new attitude.

My typical approach would have been to make today a binge day. But I realized last night that what I've been doing hasn't been working. It's time for a change and a new outlook. So, this morning I got up at 5 am and went to the gym. I worked out for 45 minutes doing cardio and I feel great right now. A little tired, but I can live with that.

So, last week I put in some effort. I didn't get the desired results. So, that means this week, I need to work harder. And after looking back at my food journal I realized that I didn't keep to my points every day. So, I need to keep to my points and get in more exercise. And that's where I'm at, at the moment. I've gradually been making small changes that will hopefully add up to a big change.

My saying for the day:

If what you've been doing hasn't worked, it's time for a change.

A step in the right direction

Finally went to the gym Friday night. I had a complete mental breakdown before getting there, but I got there and it felt good. Now, I want to go back. Not sure how I'm going to get there before Friday. The husband's out of town....

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I am miserable. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a tornado. Everything is crazy and unorganized and I'm trying desparately to dig deep and sort it out. But where do I start? I know where I need to start, but how do I do it? How do I put myself first? How do I say, you're worth it and tell everything else to get in line behind me? How do I put myself in front of kids, a husband, work, laundry, cleaning, bills, the grocery store, time with friends and family? How do I squeeze exercise and proper eating into all of this and still get 8 hours of sleep a night? How do I take that first step and get to the gym? How do I take control of my portion sizes and avoid sweets? How do I get my lazy ass off the couch and do all these things and quit depending on my husband to pick up my slack? Because that's what he's been doing. This past week or so I've been realizing how much he does and how little I do. It's really unfair to him. And I need to change it.

I realize I am slowly killing myself. I say that, but do I really get it? I have lower back pain. I have knee pain. I feel lethargic. My muscles feel like they have rigor mortis (I know that's not possible but it's the best way I can explain it) I hate to look in the mirror. I have hypothyroidism. I'm probably pre-diabetic. And, oh yeah, I'm fat. I'm really fat. Like morbidly obese fat. As of this morning, I weighed 281.5 pounds. Still not my heaviest, but that's probably attainable by Friday if I keep going like this. And I'm only 5'4".

So, I made a couple of attempts to put myself first, last week. I finally went for the bloodwork that I should have gotten done 6 months ago. I started taking back control of my daughter's bedtime. For some reason I let her dictate where I would be while she falls asleep. That stopped Thursday night. I have been sitting in my bed for the last several months because it was better than sitting in the hallway outside of her bedroom. Well, that does nothing for my productivity after she falls asleep. I'm comfy and cozy in my bed watching the TV, which I have decided is the biggest waste of time and brain power. So, now I'm able to go back downstairs when she goes to bed. Keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. This would be the perfect time to head to the gym. Unfortunately, the husband is traveling for work for the next two weeks. So much for that theory. But it's a start.

This week's goals for myself: (this does not include all the normal to-do's)
1 - keep control of bedtime
2 - pack my lunches for work
3 - drink more water
4 - try to do some stretching
5 - watch less TV


Taking small steps towards making a big change.....

2009 update.....

Well, I broke my foot two weeks ago stepping out the front door. Snow wasn't even involved. I have a boot. Thank God. I am not very graceful with crutches. I can honestly say I haven't been taking very good care of myself. Not even going to pretend like I'm trying. But I haven't given up completely. Not sure what I'm waiting for but I keep thinking about summer and doing things outside with the girls. It would be so much easier if I lost a few pounds! Hope everyone else is having much success!