Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I am miserable. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a tornado. Everything is crazy and unorganized and I'm trying desparately to dig deep and sort it out. But where do I start? I know where I need to start, but how do I do it? How do I put myself first? How do I say, you're worth it and tell everything else to get in line behind me? How do I put myself in front of kids, a husband, work, laundry, cleaning, bills, the grocery store, time with friends and family? How do I squeeze exercise and proper eating into all of this and still get 8 hours of sleep a night? How do I take that first step and get to the gym? How do I take control of my portion sizes and avoid sweets? How do I get my lazy ass off the couch and do all these things and quit depending on my husband to pick up my slack? Because that's what he's been doing. This past week or so I've been realizing how much he does and how little I do. It's really unfair to him. And I need to change it.

I realize I am slowly killing myself. I say that, but do I really get it? I have lower back pain. I have knee pain. I feel lethargic. My muscles feel like they have rigor mortis (I know that's not possible but it's the best way I can explain it) I hate to look in the mirror. I have hypothyroidism. I'm probably pre-diabetic. And, oh yeah, I'm fat. I'm really fat. Like morbidly obese fat. As of this morning, I weighed 281.5 pounds. Still not my heaviest, but that's probably attainable by Friday if I keep going like this. And I'm only 5'4".

So, I made a couple of attempts to put myself first, last week. I finally went for the bloodwork that I should have gotten done 6 months ago. I started taking back control of my daughter's bedtime. For some reason I let her dictate where I would be while she falls asleep. That stopped Thursday night. I have been sitting in my bed for the last several months because it was better than sitting in the hallway outside of her bedroom. Well, that does nothing for my productivity after she falls asleep. I'm comfy and cozy in my bed watching the TV, which I have decided is the biggest waste of time and brain power. So, now I'm able to go back downstairs when she goes to bed. Keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. This would be the perfect time to head to the gym. Unfortunately, the husband is traveling for work for the next two weeks. So much for that theory. But it's a start.

This week's goals for myself: (this does not include all the normal to-do's)
1 - keep control of bedtime
2 - pack my lunches for work
3 - drink more water
4 - try to do some stretching
5 - watch less TV


Taking small steps towards making a big change.....

2009 update.....

Well, I broke my foot two weeks ago stepping out the front door. Snow wasn't even involved. I have a boot. Thank God. I am not very graceful with crutches. I can honestly say I haven't been taking very good care of myself. Not even going to pretend like I'm trying. But I haven't given up completely. Not sure what I'm waiting for but I keep thinking about summer and doing things outside with the girls. It would be so much easier if I lost a few pounds! Hope everyone else is having much success!

just checking in

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! We did. It was busy, but lots of time spent with friends and family!

I haven't done too bad with the sweets, but regular foods are a whole other story. My Mom has been cooking ALOT, to deal with missing my dad (I think). Well, she doesn't want to keep any leftovers and my brothers aren't taking much. So, that leaves me to take them. (out of guilt, of course) I did tell her she needs to cut back because I can't keep eating Christmas dinner every day! I think I've had one glass of water in the last week. Talk about water retention!

So, I've been taking my thyroid meds regulary. And, I have a much better outlook! Thank God! I didn't want to be around me, anymore!

So, I guess I'll get back into "it" with everyone else on Jan 1! I'm up a few pounds from my initial weigh in three months ago, but it could be so much worse!

Happy New Year!

Humph!

I have not been a good girl. No-sir-re-bob! Life has been getting in the way. Fortunately, it hasn't been too bad on the scale. I lost 1 pound last week and gained 1.5 this week. I'm still down from when I started which is a good thing.

It's time for another pity party. I am miserable! All I want to do is cry. I'm stressed out with work and with home. I stopped taking my thyroid medicine about a month ago. The pill bottle got moved and I just didn't care enough to worry about it. Now, I'm in a bad place. I'm short on patience. I never really had much to begin with. I'm depressed and irritable. Normally, I'm a very happy person. I cry once in a great while, but lately it's an every day thing. I can barely listen to country music right now, and it's my favorite! This is the downfall to not taking my thyroid medicine. This miserable state is how we found out I had a thyroid issue to begin with. So, I made sure I took my pill this morning because I don't like living like this. I have a very short fuse and even yelled at the husband (which isn't normal). I might threaten to stab him with a fork occasionally, but it's all in good fun. Today.....that's another story! :-)

So, I'm really hoping things level out by Christmas. I love Christmas! And I don't want to be a depressed, miserable mess that day. It's going to be a really fun day. Maddy is 2 1/2 and is really starting to get the picture. She's even been asking to "see Santa" this week. We're heading there on Saturday morning. Here's hoping she doesn't flip out once we get there!

So, right now, I'm not following my diet. I'm not back to eating bags of cookies, but I'm not limiting anything either. I did manage to eat 2 servings of fruit yesterday. That hasn't been one of my food groups of late.

And exercise? Yeah, right. I decided not to join the gym down the road. I can't even force myself to go check it out, so why spend the money? I have a dog. I just need to take her for a walk!

Until next week people! Happy dieting!

I'm still here

Well, I've actually gained a 1/2 pound in the last two weeks. And considering everything that happened, I'm relieved. We went out for a celebratory birthday dinner on Nov 8th and then my Dad passed away on Nov 9th, the night before my actual birthday. So, it's been a whirlwind since last Sunday. People were so caring and generous. Food pretty much poured in my Mom's front door. And I didn't really worry about what I was eating. So, I'm trying to get back to a normal routine and trying to get back to carb counting. It makes it easier since I've only gained 1/2 a pound, but Thanksgiving is coming.

Wednesday Weigh In

I was relieved and surprised to see a loss of 1.5 pounds this morning. I have been eating cake that was left over from the baptism. Eating cake has been the worst thing I've been doing. Thankfully, the cake is almost gone! I've also been eating too many carbs since Sunday. And I can feel it. My body feels stiffer and puffy. If that makes sense to anyone....I still need to check out the gym by my house....won't happen until later this week. My husband is out of town and I'm a single mom for the week.

Hope everyone had a successful week!

10/31 food journal

Happy Halloween!

AM Snack
Fiber One Protein Bar cal: 150 fat: 4.5 carb: 28g fiber: 9 net carb: 19
Coffee w/2 TBSP creamer cal: 70 fat: 3 carb: 10g fiber: 0g net carb: 10g

Breakfast
2 egg cups (1 egg/1 egg white, little bit of cheddar cheese)
Fiber One Yogurt cal: 80 fat: 0 carb: 19g fiber: 5g net carb: 14g

Lunch
1 cup Veg Beef Soup (Whole Foods)
4 oz turkey breast
2/3 c couscous
1/4 cup mixed veg
12 oz can Root Beer
3/4 c Apple Cinnamon Granola cal: 450 fat: 21 carb: 59g fiber: 6g net carb: 53g
(from Whole Foods Grocery Store) ***it's a bit high in fat and calories but does have 10g of protein

Snack
1 med apple
2 celery stalks w/ 2 TBSP cream cheese
1/4 c raisins

Dinner
2 bowls homemade chicken soup
2 crackers
1/2 ham sandwich w/ little mayo & spicy mustard
8 oz 1% milk
1 oz pumpkin seeds

Dessert....it IS Halloween
Everything is in the "fun" size (read....very small)
1 - twix
3 - kit kat
2 - milk dud
2 - m&m